The One About Friendship
Last month, I was lucky enough to take a few trips and spend quality time with some old friends so wanted to share some of my reflections on friendship today.
This post felt especially poignant following the tragic death of Matthew Perry over the weekend. Most of us know him from his iconic role as Chandler Bing in Friends. Friends was a quintessential part of my childhood, providing countless laughs, memories, and for many immigrant families, a glimpse into Western culture. Chandler was always the character I identified most with (Tiffany is DEFINITELY Monica) and his passing struck a chord with me that few celebrity deaths hit. He was only 54. RIP Chanandler Bong.
Making new friends is hard. It takes a lot of work, time and commitment from both sides to build meaningful new friendships. In our busy lives, investing time and mental capacity into a new relationship usually means sacrificing somewhere else. Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else.
Because of our limited bandwidth, behavioral psychologists estimate that the max number of stable relationships one can maintain at any given time is approximately 150, dubbed the Dunbar number, after Oxford evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar.
Across Dunbar’s studies of human relationships, he’s found that all our relationships tend to be highly structured. We have friends, good friends, best friends, BEST FRIEND, etc. You probably have a good idea where all of your friends slot in this hierarchy. Outside of this circle of "friends", there a larger group of acquaintances and known faces. People you’ve met but don’t fit the "friend" criteria or as Dunbar defines it: “people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar".
As you move through life, the outer rings will expand as you encounter more people but who you spend time with concentrates increasingly inward. In college and my 20s, most of my time was spent with friends. Experiencing life together and creating core memories we’ll always remember. Quality time is that special ingredient that turns acquaintances into friends, friends into good friends and good friends into best friends.
At my current stage of life, my time is mostly spent with my family and any time with friends is spent with my closest ones. Most of us experience similar trends, the data shows our time spent with friends typically peaks in our early 20s before stabilizing in our mid-30s through the rest of our lives.
With time for friends more limited as we get older, especially quality time, the hurdle for someone to break into your inner circles becomes much higher. Dunbar estimates that “it takes about 200 hours of investment in a space of a few months to move a stranger into being a good friend”. That’s a lot. It’s not impossible, I’ve been lucky enough to meet some great friends in my 30s, just much more challenging.
The close friends you have today are most likely going to be the same ones you have in the future. Cherish those friendships because they are hard to replace.
Last month, I went on a golf trip to Scottsdale with a couple of my closest friends. One of my goals coming into year was to do a better job keeping in touch with friends (I am generally terrible at texting / calling to say what’s up). That goal is still a WIP but I was able to successfully organize this trip as a way of making time for us – no significant others, no kids, just the guys.
We used to take trips like this all the time, at least multiple times a year, but now they’ve become increasingly rare. We’re at the age where most bachelor parties are behind us, family obligations are ever increasing, and planning even a weekend away a year becomes a tall challenge.
Most of us all met when we were freshmen at Rice. One of the guys I’ve known since middle school. Needless to say, in our mid-30s, we’re much different people than when we first met all those years ago but it always feels like we're transported back in time whenever we get together.
We might drink nicer alcohol, eat a little better, dress a little nicer but we still tell the same stories, make fun of each other for the same things, and retread the same arguments. In a world of constant change, it’s comforting to know some things change slower than others.
I hope to make this golf trip an annual thing (let me know if you’re interested next year!). Something we can all look forward to get away from the busyness of the day-to-day. Something for us to return to a simpler time when we were just a bunch of kids with our entire lives in front of us.